The Calculation

First of all let me clarify the meaning of Ex. I’m using the term very loosely for the purpose of this blog today. So, for all intents and purposes “Ex” refers to anyone you ever did relationship things with. Whether you did major shit with the chic i.e. took trips, introduced her to your parents etc. or minor shit like talked on the phone for more than 3 hours a day she can be your ex.

Take me for instance. I’ve been a student of the “titles complicate things” school of thought for minute now so I wouldn’t have a traditional “Ex” since I haven’t had a traditional girlfriend in some years. Yep, years son.

Still, everyday I find myself swimming through a timeline of tweets from chics whose names are no longer in my phone and I end up feeling like I could have co-written “Marvin’s Room” with the homie Drake. Even though it’s a rare occasion that I actually fall victim to the thirst and call or text an old chic…I do consider it. And that alone is enough to re-evaluate all my morals.

So pay attention because long gone are the days when you can break up with a chic and never hear from her again. Nah son. The struggle is so much realer than that in 2011. The day y’all “break up” odds are you’re gonna know what she had for dinner that night, what Erykah Badu album she’s listening to to get her through the struggle and eventually you’ll know who she’s rebounding with.

TMI? Of course, but what are you going to do, unfollow her? Erase your presence from all online social media networks? Nah, that’s not the move. But there are some rules you need to follow if you want to make it through the 2011 break-up struggle.

5. Cool Out With The Sub-tweets

So the three year situation you guys had just ended four hours ago and you think you can sneak a sub-tweet onto her timeline? Nope. Only Shawn Carter can get away with those kinds of sneak disses. Plus, as many conversations as you two have had over the course of three years you probably can’t sneak anything past her. If you’re feeling the need to sub-tweet you still have feelings for the chic…in which case you lost. Damn.

4. Don’t “@” “RT” or “DM” Her More than Twice A Month
That shit is a misunderstanding waiting to happen. Trust me I’ve violated each and every one of the stipulations in this rule. Even if you both decided to be “grown ups” about it and remain friends, you’re still walking on thin ice son. Depending on how actually cool you and this “ex” were/are you’ll both probably gonna still laugh at/like each other’s tweets. Unless it’s one of those situations where you’re saying to yourself “How was I fucking with a person who says shit like this?” In that case you two should have just been having sex and nothing more.

3. Don’t Tweet Stalk
You know the saying…if you really don’t want find out some shit, don’t search for it. Tweet stalking is all bad in a break up situation. No, trust me. Depending on how far back you go in her timeline you’ll fuck around and find out you were smashing a compulsive liar. There’s no telling how many dude’s were doing backflips in her mentions full of thirst on one of those days you hung up on her and didn’t answer the phone for a week. Yep, the thirst was still there just hanging around her mentions and DM’s waiting for an opportune time son. Don’t go backwards son. Don’t struggle with the past…there’s enough struggle in the present and future for that.

2. Don’t Start Following Her Friends

If you weren’t following her friends before the break-up don’t start now son. If they choose to follow you, cool. But don’t display that kind of thirst by randomly following her girls that you always thought were cute. You should have started following, retweeting and @’ing them in the beginning. This way after you and their homegirl severed ties it would still be slightly ethical for you to be swimming around in their mentions. At this point you’re pretty see-through.

1. Do. Not. Unfollow.

You might be feeling like the best thing to do is just unfollow and make her dead to you. Nah, son. Just the opposite is true. Don’t front…a part of you is still going to want to know what she’s up to. Just think of how bad you’ll look if you unfollow her tomorrow, only to follow her again two weeks from now. Nope. Bad move. Plus, unfollowing her opens you up to all types of internet slander that will go unseen by your eyeballs since you took yourself out of the loop. Just stay in the heat of the struggle and face the shit head on, pause.

That’s it. It ain’t no more to it. I mean, there’s more but if you skipped any of these steps you’re already dead, son.

Don’t ever forget that I don’t really write these shits for your approval, especially from those of you who don’t agree that red kool-aid is the best kool-aid.

Oh, and I must say thank you to the cats that stole my TV and old MacBook. Because of you I’ve gotten a bigger flat screen and finally got myself a MacBook Pro. I’d struggled with that white joint for like three years so I was beyond overdue.

Thanks,

Out.

@thecalculation

It’s been a long two weeks or so for ya boy. It all started in New York when I went to interview Diggy Simmons at the Atlantic Records offices in Manhattan and a damn Hurricane came the next day. But before that though, y’all boy DeWayne Carter threw a few rocks at The Throne with those lines about kidnapping Beyonce’ or whatever. I think that’s part of the reason that bitch Irene came through NYC. Matter of fact, I’m even blaming Wayne for that earthquake in D.C. a few days before that but I digress.

I guess Wayne thought it was good timing to leak that “sneak” diss a few days before the VMA’s but in my personal opinion that shit backfired like one of those cheap ass High Point glocks.

Here’s the line: “Talking bout baby money/ I got yo baby money/ Kidnap yo bitch get that “how much you love yo lady money”

See what I mean. How a nigga infamous for shooting nobody but HIMSELF get away with saying this kind of shit? Like, I can’t believe y’all allowing this. I must disclose that I’m a Hov stan on the low but that’s beside the point. We need a committee.

So, for all you Wayne fans that keep letting this foolishness slide I got a list of fuck shit that the homie has said/done/endorsed/condoned over the years that will prove once and for all that he shouldn’t be taken literally or seriously.

5. I’ll just start with DeWayne’s most recent offense at the 2011 VMA’s.

So you’re really gonna diss ‘Hov and proceed to perform with women’s leopard skin pants on. Nah son, that’s not the move. I’ve heard him talk about how he wants to be a superstar and be bigger than music, but…I don’t think he had this in mind. Like, those pants were women’s pants. And did y’all see him jumping around throwing fits and whatnot? Dog, you’re 4’11. I’m out.

4. Publicly Playing Guitars

I’m all about the notion of hip hop artists expanding their personal range as well as the range of the culture. If they can do it. Hip hop has its guys for that. The Roots, Andre 3000 and B.O.B. all fit that mode. A dreaded up, leaned out Wayne trying to play that simple ass guitar rift from “Leather So Soft” doesn’t come close. I know there isn’t a picture (or entry) in the dictionary for best rapper alive. But I guarantee it ain’t a nigga with dreds playing a guitar.

3. Best Rapper Alive Claims

Really? The best rapper alive though? I understand that music is subjective and can be viewed as a personal preference but c’mon son. Ever since Complex put a number on how may features Wayne did one year (77 I believe) all you idiots have been been putting this guy in a space that’s only reserved for niggas with regular haircuts. I mean, a nigga with dreds being the best rapper alive doesn’t alive even sound right. How many variations of ‘life’s a bitch’ are we gonna hear from this dude. And I’m so fucking tired of hearing what the ‘f’ in Weezy F. Baby means. I just want to stop using the letter all together. Plus, until the day the Brooklyn throws Shawn Carter’s final going away party, that crown will rest with Hov.

2. That “I’m a grown as blood” line

Yea, about that. A real man once told me that a real grown up should never have to verbally state that they are grown. So, what the fuck DeWayne? This whole gang affiliation thing with Lil Wayne is all bad. I mean, where else is it acceptable for a nigga to say nothing about being in a gang until they’re 25? No, really. What part of the game is that? Any nigga that waits until they’re almost at mid-life crisis age go join a gang shouldn’t be allowed in a studio. I listened to pretty much non-stop Cash Money when I was 15/16. Wayne wasn’t blood then. That shit cray.

1.The Kiss

This can never be over-exaggerated enough. The ultimate pause/no homo moment. Now, I come from a place where niggas barely even know their real pops. So the thought of kissing a man that ISN’T your actual pops is beyond the realm of actual possibility. Even the innocent bystanders in the picture were looking like their eyes had just been raped. The simple fact that shit went mad public and he still sells…anything to “hood” niggas is beyond me. What are you heathens promoting? Society truly took a turn for the worst when you tasteless bums collectively decided to let that shit slide.

More Fuckery: Get alllll the way the fuck outta here if you believe that 700,000 innocent souls purchased that Carter IV album in a week. Between the 500,000 that Cash Money purchased and the 150,000 bought up by Universal, I’ll say about 50,000 people bought the joint and started that trending topic #thingsbetterthantheCarterIV. First of all the album leaked a week before it’s official release date. So, you’re telling me that the album being available for 7 days prior to its release made more people cop it after the release date? Wayne fans gotta chill.

That’s it…it ain’t no more to it. Do remember (DJ Clue voice), that you have the right to disagree but…if you wore blue jean shorts by choice this summer or have ever listened to a Gucci Mane album in its entirety, I don’t have to respect your opinion. At all son.

I’m out tho. Niggas broke in my crib and stole my flat screen and XBox without breaking in.

“Caesar didn’t see it so he cease to exsist so the nigga that killed him had keys to his shit.”

I hear ya Hov.